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Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
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By
Dr. Margaret Paul
Demanding children are hard to be around, and grow up with many
relationship problems. This article details how parents may be inadvertently
fostering entitlement issues in their children, and what to do about
it.
Demanding children - children who have entitlement issues - seem
to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in
Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding
that her father get her whatever she wanted ("I want an Umpa
Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!"), we hear many children today uttering
the fairly constant refrain, "I want ...! Give it to me! Get
it for me, now!" They seem to be masters at instilling guilt
in their parents through phrases such as "It's not fair!"
or "You don't love me!" or "What about what I want?",
or by getting angry, shutting down or crying piteously.
Why are there so many demanding children?
Olivia grew up with a self-centered demanding critical mother who
never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned early to take responsibility
for her mother's feelings by being a good girl. Now, as a parent
herself, and not wanting to do to her children what her mother did
to her, she has gone the other way. Rather than being demanding
and self-centered, she is compliant and self-sacrificing. Rather
than being an authoritarian parent like her mother was, she is a
permissive parent, giving in to her children's demands rather than
setting appropriate limits.
Olivia tends to give much to much credence to her children's feelings.
All they need to do is be upset about something and she stops what
she is doing to attend to them. They have learned to use their feelings
of hurt, irritation and anger as a means of control. Olivia thinks
she is being loving when she makes it "safe" for her children
to express their feelings. The problem is she is not discerning
the difference between having feelings and using feelings as a means
of control. Because she gives her children's feelings so much importance,
her children have learned to use their feelings against her.
Olivia's children need to learn to care about Olivia instead of
just trying to get her to give herself up to meet their demands.
The only way they will learn to care about her is if she learns
to care about herself.
Demanding children are difficult to be around. They have a hard
time keeping friends and as adults they create chaotic relationships.
So let's take a hard look at what we need to do to support caring
in children rather than self-centeredness. Authoritarian parenting
often creates compliant/caretaking children, while permissive parenting
seems to create narcissistic children. Neither authoritarian nor
permissive parenting is loving parenting - parenting that supports
the highest good of both children and parents. Let's break the cycle
of creating caretakers and takers. As parents, we need to learn
to:
Take loving care of ourselves rather than constantly give ourselves
up to our children's needs and feelings.
Set appropriate limits rather than always complying with our children's
demands.
Care about our own feelings as much as we care about our children's
feelings.
Not allow our feelings and needs to be invisible to our family.
Accept rejection from our children rather than give in to them
to avoid being rejected.
Learn to discern the difference between children's feelings that
need to be attended to and feelings that are being used to manipulate.
Expect to be appreciated and respected rather than accept being
taken for granted.
It is not a matter of swinging back to authoritarian parenting.
It is a matter of expecting to be treated with respect and caring.
Your children will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself.
If you allow your feelings and needs to be invisible because you
are not attending to them or making them important to you, your
children will learn to see you and others as invisible. Children
who see themselves as important and others as invisible because
this is what their parents are role-modeling may become narcissistic,
self-centered, demanding children.
It is not easy to move out of caretaking and into caring about
yourself and others. Caretaking others was likely a form of survival
when you were growing up. Yet to truly be a loving parent, you need
to have the courage to behave in a way that fosters caring and consideration
in your children, and this will never happen if you consistently
put yourself aside for others.
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