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Are We Ready for A Baby
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Karen
Guzman - Raleigh News & Observer
In about two months, Mary Catherine and Chad Collins
will welcome their first baby. Married in 2001, the 28-year-olds
initially put off parenthood. Financial obligations - car payments
and credit cards - took precedence, as did building careers.
"We were both new in our careers and have now gotten to the
point where we're more established," Mary Catherine Collins
says. "We weren't really ready till this year."
Baby-timing is a potent force in relationships today. Often a culprit
in marital squabbles, it's rumored to have been one of the factors
that broke up Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.
With two careers in the mix, lifestyle choices and the ever-escalating
cost of raising kids, even ordinary couples face challenges and
options previous generations never dreamed of.
It can all be a bit daunting.
"It's probably a decision that people spend a great deal more
time making than they did in the past," says Barbara Risman,
a professor at North Carolina State University and co-chairwoman
of the national Council on Contemporary Families.
The main problem, according to Risman, is that the American workplace
is incompatible with modern family life. So despite the fact that
the National Bureau of Labor Statistics projects 61.1 percent of
women will work outside the home in 2005, "You've got two people
in jobs that are organized as if each person has a wife at home
taking care of everything," Risman says.
Work isn't the only reason people delay having kids today.
The Collinses, for instance, wanted to give their marriage time
to settle. "You have to feel comfortable with yourselves as
a couple, feel grounded in the relationship, before you bring somebody
else into the equation," Collins says.
Exactly what are the hallmarks of a relationship that's ready to
welcome a child? Good communication and conflict resolution skills
for starters, says nurse and licensed marriage therapist Pam Richey.
Another major building block: The couple should be firmly established
as an independent and committed unit. "They should have a sense
that they're a family without kids," Richey says.
There are risks to waiting - especially if you're an older woman.
A woman's fertility declines with age. Between ages 35 and 39, it
drops 25 percent to 50 percent. And from 40 to 45, the decrease
is 50 percent to 95 percent, according to reports from the Mayo
Clinic.
"I'm aware the optimal time for having children is closing,"
says Christina Gibson-Davis 34, and an assistant professor at Duke
University. "And we're trying to balance that with the desire
to have our marriage stand on its own two feet."
While fertility is primarily a woman's concern, men have their
own concerns.
Greater roles for dads have also profoundly changed the way many
men approach fatherhood.
"Men do this differently than women," says Mark O'Connell,
psychologist and author of "The Good Father, On Men, Masculinity
and Life in the Family."
Women tend to be more naturally attuned to the realities of biology
and parenting, while many men play catch-up.
O'Connell stresses that he's speaking in generalities. Certainly
there are men with a natural knack for parenting who've always wanted
to be fathers. But some warm to the idea more gradually. "It's
important for women to not necessarily think they got a bum deal
if their husbands aren't totally on board."
Getting on board requires communication and agreement. Serious
misgivings on the part of either a man or woman should be red flags.
O'Connell advises couples to sit down and talk. "It sounds
simple, but people don't take enough time to do this," he says.
He suggests that each partner have the chance to say how he or
she feels without fear of judgment. Topics covered should include
expectations, "what you think life will be like with a baby,"
time, money and maintaining a sexual relationship after baby arrives.
There is no single right away to go about this, he says.
"We're all different. People need to make room to appreciate
these differences," O'Connell says.
That said, once a man is committed to becoming a dad, there are
generally a few things he likes to have in order.
"It is really important for a lot of men to feel like they're
making a good living," O'Connell says. Some even put in longer,
harder hours at the office. It's their way of getting ready. "Women
need to take seriously that men are sincere when they say this:
I'm doing this for my family," O'Connell says.
O'Connell brings up another common reason some delay child-rearing
- the fear that life will be inexorably altered, for the worse.
Partners can fear loss of income, loss of freedom and loss of intimate
time alone.
"Remember, people have been having babies for a really long
time," O'Connell says. "We live in a culture where people
feel everything has to be perfect. Don't worry. You'll work it out
as you go along."
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